I may be all alone on this one but I really don't fucking care. I can't even tell you how many times in the last few years I've had a friend that came up to me and told me how great some shitty movie was to them. I began to wonder if maybe my friends were imbeciles. It soon became clear to me, after seeing how much these terrible movies grossed, that it wasn't my friends, but movie-goers in general who were shelling out the cash to go see the latest slop being excreted on theater screens everywhere.
At this point, I can't really blame Hollywood. I mean, clearly, Americans love terrible movies, pathetic acting and plots that make "Battlefield Earth" look like fucking Shakespeare. Here's some of the latest vomit-inducing flicks I've had the misfortune of seeing . . . and yet somehow managed to make more money then I'll make in my lifetime.
1.) TransformersNo, this isn't the awesome 1980's cartoon movie. This is the latest turd that Micheal Bay managed to pinch off onto my childhood memories. How can you possibly ruin a movie with so much potential? Well, first, make sure you choose actors that have no talent at all (with the exception of the consistently awesome John Turturro.) Hell even Jon Voight delivered his lines like he was asking himself "why the fuck am I here?"
Second, you know the already established plot line and continuity that fans everywhere are *already* in love with and expect to see? Get rid of it. In fact, don't use any plot at all. Plot just gets in the way of your amazing special effects, which brings me to my third point.
Now that you've spent the majority of you money and effort on making the CG transformers and special effects look amazing . . . shake the camera as violently and obnoxiously as you can to make certain your audience never sees anything cool looking on screen for more than an instant.
The only thing worse than watching a shitty movie it having to strain to see how bad it is. I seriously had a pounding headache from squinting through the entire movie trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I often found myself wondering what retarded chimpanzee with Parkinson's Bay found to film this dung heap. Then I remembered he does it for every movie he makes on purpose because he thinks it's artistic. Or maybe he's trying to piss people off. Too bad everyone is too busy sucking his flaccid penis to care.
Whatever . . . I still have the cartoon movie, which is far superior.
2.) Alien vs. PredatorI can't say this was any surprise, considering is was filmed and written by Paul W. S. (worthless shit) Anderson. This movie was nothing more than a craptastic fan-film made by a director who should have been run out of the country years ago. Once again, you take a great concept that's already laid out for you and twist it into some vile abomination. People were laughing in the audience in places that I KNOW the writer did not intend people to laugh. It's also the only movie I've ever seen that forced droves of people to walk out of in the middle.
And yet, made enough for a slightly less terrible sequel called . . .
3.) AvP: Requiem (currently grossing $30M)Fox: No one would ever go see another AvP movie by Paul W.S. Anderson at this point, so what do we do? Hmm, lets grab a pair of FX specialists, who arbitrarily insist they be called the Bothers Strause, to direct the next slop heap, despite the fact they've never directed a movie in their lives! Yes . . . NOTHING can go wrong here!
This movie might have been better if it didn't pick up right after the last one, which is universally regarded as atrocious. Or if there was one single actor who was worth a shit. Oh, and the effects might have been ok, but the whole movie was filmed by candle light . . . so who the fuck knows. Nothing like sitting in front of a black screen for 90 minutes. I'll never understand why Fox Studios has a propensity to destroy the things that the love.
Ditch this shit.
4+.) Hot Rod/Superbad/Fred Claus/any other random comedyDon't ever walk up to me and tell me how great these shitty comedies are unless you want a side-kick to the throat. If you've seen any one of these movies, you've seen them all. This is the sort of shit that panders to the audience that exclaims "OOOOOOO" whenever they see someone on screen fall down or get hit in the nuts for th 27th time. A good comedy can be funny without resorting to "gags" and canned jokes that I've heard a thousand times before. To do otherwise insults my intelligence as well as my wallet. Fuck you.
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Lets do everyone everywhere a favor. Stop chucking out money for shitty movies. Only then will they stop making them.
